kodak moments

I tell myself I feel more alive when I travel. Every day feels new and fresh, like you are discovering the world all over again. Somehow my eyes are opened wider, and eat up my surroundings with an eager hunger to learn and experience and drink in moments. Senses heightened, my adventerous spirit is let off its lead to run free and an openness to ‘just try’ abounds. I feel more courageous and daring, desperate not to miss the moment, but be present in them all. To live fully, always.

Recently I’ve been working on a piece of writing about love. God’s love. Its been quite an amazing process trying to articulate the uncontainable magnitude of grace lavished on us. And the more I search for words to express this thing I’ve found (and only sometimes grasp), it just gets bigger and better. Reassuringly indescribable, my incomprehension strangely comforting as I realise its bigger than my capacity to understand. Meditating on this I suddenly find Gods love in moments everywhere. The breeze against my face, the knowing look of a good friend, a swim in icy waters on a calm morning or a rant on a rainy hilltop, in laughter, food and conversation with people I love, or in the investment in others…moments of grace everywhere. I feel like my awareness of him is heightened, or at least I’m in tuned to an attitude of gratitude. Like Brother Lawernce wrote – practicing the presence of God.

Me and my friend George once had a conversation about our top 5 kodak moments in life. Mine were mostly places, his mostly people. I think the people one’s are more of a legacy than being able to show off what things you’ve done (though I still have a huge appetite to see the world). I guess this living in the moment is a conscious choice to look deeper, let go and open up in the day – to choose your attitude. My pastor Pete often says “life isn’t what happens to you, it flows from you”. It’s not so much our location or setting as the position of our hearts. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23. While I’m a creature of habit and readily (if reluctantly) inflict myself with monotony, my battle is more one of the heart, and one which while trying to remain open to the variety life offers is able also to die to itself, to love simply, genuinely and excellently.

I love the way Rob Bell talked about love:

Love is not a four letter word. God is love.

You will drive yourself crazy running from God and searching for love.

To search for love and run from God – that is insanity

We cannot even live unaffected by love

Most alive when we find it

Most devastated when we lose it

Most empty when give up

Most inhumane when we betray it

Most passionate when we pursue it

“Most alive when we find it…most passionate when we pursue it“. So, its not just searching for the kodak potential of every moment, but the opportunity each second affords to choose a path of love. It may not always feel beautiful or easy in the moment. But I guess they are the moments that truly mark and map our lives. And love, as a motivation, has the potential to spur us on to some of the greatest adventures.

the answer

The answer is standing right in front of me asking me what I want

I don’t even know

I don’t know

Am I supposed to?

This – the riddle of the heart.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, so the proverb goes

I think it put mine in a coma.

Breathing is natural, its something we just do.

But when a heart is told to hold it’s breath, and taught to keep on holding,  it forgets how to let go, even though its suffocating.

How do you re-learn courage?

how do you spring from passive to active hope?

I’ve been ricocheting in this empty shell, this man made box

and my soul is screaming

and wretching

for fresh air

and a deep breathe of truth.

‘What do I want?’

What do I want?

Everything that a heart does want!

Truth. Beauty. Love. Passion. Success.

I want to live fully alive.

I crave life!

I do not want to miss a second of everything that is mine to feel and have

What do I crave?

Meaning. Fulfillment. Peace.

The answer is standing right in front of me asking me what I want.

established

Today is a day to bask in you….

I drink you in….

My roots go deep, interlocked with the richness of the soil you planted me in,

Fat, warm drops of grace plummet to earth and splash against my face

Thick, heavy, thirst-quenching

I am saturated with grace, dripping with love from the daily tropical thunderstorm of favour you drench me in

My roots firm, my posture sure, branches of hope and leaves of promise spring up everywhere bursting open miracles in the shape of flowers

Everywhere life,

I am established

In you

In Love

I grow taller than I could possibly have dared, my branches reach out, and underneath I see saplings following my example

They too reaching for as yet untold climbs…

Season to season, the riches of your glory abound, dreaming butterflies and birds craving adventure are as much a part of me as my branch arms that you strengthen for capacities I daren’t know

Even in Autumn and winter, when the nights are dark and long, and I feel bare, abandoned and alone, deep inside you are at work, devising magic and mystery, ushering new waves of hope, new harvests of possibility…..

Even then my roots grow,

Reaching into depths untold

You are establishing

All the time

Laying the foundations by which my life may glorify you

gratitude

today is a day to bask in you

a heart full up and brimming over

smiles escaping and nostalgic knowing looks spill over and down the sides of contentment and out into the air into the lungs of passers by

Hope has been found

A sufficient display of gratitude eludes me

My words clumsy like bricks, prayers small and futile, worship dwarfed by what has happened

I will my cells to scream out thanks, each pore to sing, each breath to honour and speak of trust and faithfulness

overwhelmed

silence has moved from fear to awe

peace restored

no thing can contain you – no phrase or thought or breath

The silence is full of your presence

It feels more truthful than words

So I simply hold my heart out and, entwined with yours, I remember and

slowly

learn to dream again

the unknown

The unknown used to be a place of opportunity and hope, a vast and glorious horizon, as big as the eyes of my imagination would allow me to see.

I couldn’t describe it to you, couldn’t pin it down in words. It moved and changed and evolved, it was teeming with life and colour, vivid dreams, and personalities, fantasies of epic proportions, innoncence, hope and naivity woven into one, beautiful capacity to dream.

The momentum to run full speed off the cliff of fear, and for moments fly, before the rush of cold sparkling waves and the adrenalin of courage hit, before the salt water and awareness of risk stung your eyes. But then then oh to feel the relief, that you do indeed belong to a family of darers, of risk takers, life livers. That you, in this moment, have dared, and dreamt, and believed, and hoped. And trusted.

The unknown used to be a place where you knew you were alive. Life itself flowed from you.

I don’t know what happened to the unknown. But it became a place of fear. Of mistrust. Boxed in dreams growing dusty in the darkened basement of my heart. Things got smaller, less abundant. Everything a tone of grey. Laughter muted, desire quenched, hope snuffed out. Like a plague fear darkened the face of the unknown, robbed the joy, stole the light and drew in the edges of possibility to make it smaller. Suddenly cynacism ruled, and eyes once focussed on glory, turned within and clouded over. The unknown was not to be trusted. No jumping off cliffs. Common sense and sober decision, trepidation, cautiousness and fear slowly overtook. And with them dreaming was banished.

India

Some favourite Kodak moments and memories from travels over the last few years. One of the most pleasurable things – exploring foreign lands and being filled with awe and wonder, your senses attacked in every way as you breathe in alternative realities and open your eyes up to a big and beautiful world.

cows roaming free on the beaches of Goa

One of our first ports of call, Paloem Beach in Goa, was one of the most idyllic and relaxing. I’d wake up sit on the beach and eventually someone would come by and sell me some  fresh pineapple and coconut they would prepare there and then on the beach for breakfast.

dawn at the riverside behind the Taj Mahal

I arrived alone off the overnight train to Agra early in the morning when it was still dark. I hung out with my Tuk Tuk driver for a bit and then he took me to the river behind the Taj Mahal to see the sun rise over it.

the famous view - a monument to love

The Taj Mahal was a suprisingly peaceful and restful place to be. Resting in the shadows of this great poetic expression of love, I remember feeling remarkably serene and contemplative.

a typical Dheli street

Dheli was a mix – busy and polluted, not as many people sleeping on the streets as in Mumbai, but instead some gigantic cows that owned and patrolled the streets.

we journey alone, together

I know what is ahead is good. I am expectant. I have hope. But as soon as I try to figure it all out (which I do because I’m impatient and a control freak)  I become anxious and weary. Because, honestly, I can’t. I have no clue what is in store. And I tend to cripple myself with the need to orchestrate it, to maneuver events in the present in an attempt to manipulate the future. Its like God is playing this awesome game of chess and I keep trying to move the pieces for him, thinking I’ve seen some hook or strategy he hasn’t thought of yet. And instead I keep interfering with his perfectly sound game plan for my life.

It’s lonely searching out and carrying your dreams. Its solitary in the sense that no one else can ask the deep soul questions that can only be answered by you. You go those places alone. Just you, and God. And you cannot ride on others relationships with him, their messages, or anecdotes, or even the things he said yesterday. Its the continual battle to stay in present in the presence of God. You and Him. Today. Right Now. And the doubts, the not knowing, the as yet unanswered prayers can leave you feeling like you are standing alone, with no certainty when the answers will come or where the path will lead. I want to live in a place of trust, but sometimes to unknown is hard to trust. I guess thats why we need to know God’s character. Its not the unknown, or some abstract notion of a future we trust, but Him.

Today I was on a skype call with friends from the Urban Poets, as people in LA, Sheffield, Dusseldorf, Auckland and Edinburgh, connected in their different time zones to talk about answered prayer and where God was leading them. Each on our own paths, wrestling with our own questions, reaching for our own dreams; some in a season of waiting, some running head-first into new adventures, some see the next year revealing itself, others wondering how simply to step into today. Suddenly I realise we are alone together. We each watch the other run their own race cheering from the sidelines. Sometimes we run alongside one another on the same track, or take moments of rest together, but even when the road is narrow, steep and rocky, we are comforted by the courage of others, by the knowledge together we persevere. And while our specific futures are ours alone, the journey can be shared and Jesus, our greatest and constant traveling partner, he himself a wanderer during his years of ministry, gives us the gift of friendships, and the influence of fellow-trailblazers to strengthen our resolve and inspire our feet to move and our hearts to unashamedly hope. We journey alone, together.

“The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.“

He will show us. So stop stressing (me!), its supposed to be an adventure.

bound

You caught my eye, while I wasn’t looking

You whispered when I tried to ignore you

You promised happiness, hope, fulfilment

And demanded to be heard

Grabbed my wrist

I saw you

I believed your lies

And so it began

And I was happy.

I told myself

Just once

A taste, a touch, a glimmer

No more

But you enchanted me

You lured me into the dance

And

Intoxicated

I followed

And the hiding began

The secrets began

My lies began

Tossed in a raging sea

Thundering waves of emotion, worry, delight, fear, pleasure,

I’m left unbalanced and seasick

Ensnared, the more I struggle the tighter your grip becomes

Why wont release me?

Your grip has tightened

It hurts

And your pulling me where I don’t want to go

Do you hear me?

I DON’T WANT TO GO

But my hands are tied

Blinded, I follow…

All your promises broken, all the lies you spewed

Your promised contentment, and I’m empty

You promised freedom, and I’m in chains,

You promised happiness and I’m riddled with guilt

False promises and empty claims, all pomp and no substance

I wish I could go back,

Look you in the face

And tell you

no

I’m bound

And I want a rescuer

Someone to know my dirty little secret

I’m going to tell

I’m going to tell

I’m going to….

injustice

Seeping through the cracks that littler humanity

Injustice sits in its dark corners

Growing

Spreading

Snatching and grabbing at the ankles of the innocent

As they walk by

Unprotected

Unprepared

Alone

In hidden alleyways

Tripping

They fall

And are dragged screaming and desperate

Fingers digging into the ground

As the darkness swallows them

And steals the sound from their voice

Forgotten

Out of sight

Out of

Reach

Hopeless

Helpless

Too late…

And so the lie continues

Someone

Walks boldly into the darkness

No more

Status quo

Grabbing outstretched arms

And those that have no energy to reach,

It all spent on hope

And unrealised dreams,

Pulling

Sweating

Crying alongside

They move

From the sinking sand darkness towards

The light

The day

Life

And perhaps

Maybe

Opportunity

A future

This epic struggle of the backstreets and distant places

Unseen by many

Still urgent

Still eternal

Still of worth

Significance

No glamour

No heroes

But a few less victims

A few more victors

A few more life givers

All around us

In our cities, homes, relationships

The shadows shrink and grow, shrink and grow

All depending on

What light

Is willing

To invade

And reclaim

And dare to believe

That justice

Can exist

And starts with one

One person

One stand

One life is helped

One crack is filled

One shadow disappears

One life given a chance

To breathe out oppression

And breath in

Fairness

Truth

A chance

To live

Free

heart

Surrounded by my stored up worries and doubts and accusations I made at you

Left hanging

Unanswered

Unresolved

Haunting me

I want to go back to the beginning

Right back

When we walked together in a garden

When I was naked and unashamed

I miss you.

And I know that you are here, but I spend so much of my time missing you.

You say I am here,

In here

I wish my heart would just shut up so I could listen.

So I could allow myself to be loved by you.

I’m tired

I’m tired of trying to contort my heart into a shape more acceptable to you

Take it

Take it

This brokedownbeat up hollow heart of mine

And breathe your life into it

A heart that doesn’t feel my own dictates the way I feel

And I am deceived

My faith based on the lies I’ve believed

Instead of the truth you’ve written on the banner that goes before me

I’m broken Lord

I’m broken

And I need you to take this heart, this spirit and hold it in your hand

And keep it safe

And make it new

Make me new

If I could rip this heart out of my chest

I would

And physically put it in your hands

For you to hold.

I don’t trust myself with it anymore.

My life would literally be in your hands

My heart would be in your hands

And then I couldn’t take it back

As I do

Daily

Have it Lord

Have my heart

It isn’t a beautiful thing I offer

But it is all I have

And I know you want it

And I know you can make me beautiful

It’s safe in your hands